It’s Always Darkest Before It Gets Darker: Part Four
ARCHIE
When he’s not exfoliating in the shower, and designing new tortures for those little cheerleading whores at Riverdale High, Archibald “Archie” Jones hangs with his friend, Jughead, at Pop Tate’s Chocklit Shoppe; where he and the guys compare business cards over malted shakes. When Jughead present him with a sans serif ivory on incandescent white matte with a luminescent beanie hat motif at 15%, the strain proves too much for Archie and he leaves quickly - under the premise of returning some DVDs - and retires back to the shower, listening to wi-fi Huey Lewis as he dreams of a revenge that involves a rat, some half-inch flexible hose, and a beer keg.
Desperate for some payback, he slips some ketamine into Betty and Veronica’s coca-cola floats. Back at his place he coaxes the girls into some Sapphic frottage whilst he absent-mindedly hacks them to pieces with a pledge pin. He dumps the bodies at the local playing field; when “Big” Moose Mason sees him digging a hole he also becomes collateral, hidden under the goalposts, doomed to forever hear the touchdown of the opposing teams vibrate through the sodden clod above him.
One night, over hamburgers gratin that look like sparrow farts with a side of cuckoo flock/arugula antipasto, Archie leans over and says “Jughead? You ever wonder what happened to Cheryl Blossom? I made her eat her own Pomerian before I capped her ass with a rusty nail gun. And then I made Paul Owen eat Cheryl and the Pomeranian before I capped his ass with a corroded swiss army knife.”
Jughead leans over the banana split (drizzled in puréed lychees in a béchamel sauce), grabs his friend by the arm (appreciating the fine Italian weave of his binkie jacket) and says, “Hey, Charlie Brown. What are you on? I’m Paul Owen.”
Archie, bug-eyed, turns to the door of Pop Tate’s Chocklit Shoppe. It reads “NO EXIT.”
Next: Calvin. Hobbes. ‘Nuff said.
The Daily Mona Lisa Monster Truck:
Kurt Amacker over at Mania.com has his own take on the new “dark” at DC.